NOTE: I'm moving this one from last month back to the top of the blog for a while because Mom and Mr. Ness seem to have something to say. Not sure who will prevail -- Mom was married more than 40 years, Mr. Ness just a wee little 15 so far (smile)! See the comments and decide for yourself...
A few weeks ago, I asked a male mentor and friend -- hereafter to be known on my blog as Mr. Ness -- his opinion of a "boyfriend" who said he would come by at a certain time and then didn't do it or call to say otherwise. Mr. Ness said sometimes men will forget. Accept it. "And don't go interpreting it as you being unimportant! I hate it when women think they can read my emotions based on some behavior that doesn't fit their idea of a perfect relationship." (The guy has been married 15 years and still feels this way!) "You should look at the larger context of his actions. Is it just about little stuff or priorities?"
He meant that I should not try to guess motives. This perspective helped. We sometimes communicate a lot without words...and don't even know it.
I grew-up with three brothers; so anyway, I came to suspect that men and women have different ideas about what defines "communicating." For example, when my parents said "Don't do that!" I heard "Don't do it at the risk of experiencing severe disappointment expressed by parents and perhaps being stuck in your room for some time." My brothers heard, "Find a more creative way to make it happen such that you won't get caught or they'll laugh so hard they forget to punish you." I asked one of my brothers once about something (not so big but to me emotional) I always remembered from our childhood. "Didn't it bother you when Dad said...?" I asked. My brother said, "Nah, I never took it seriously." Same parents; same house; totally different realities.
Of course, I also thought men & women had different ideas about who should replace the roll of toilet paper when they used the last piece -- until I discovered last year in an office of women that someone would STILL leave the empty cardboard hanging.
I leave learning this for another day!
Dear Jill’s Mom,
I’m sorry, but I can’t remember why forgetting was a top priority :-). Actually, my comments to Jill didn’t have to do with priorities in a relationship as much as they did with not trying to get into the other person’s head to determine motive or emotion. It’s funny that in Jill’s blog she expressed amazement that I “still” felt this way after being married for more than 15 years, when it’s because I’ve been married for a while that this struck a nerve. I want to be graded on my body of work and have a forgetful moment to be viewed as the failings of a simple mind (a common male malady) rather than the leading indicator of a change in priorities. In our conversation, I was just encouraging Jill to focus on what was acceptable to her rather than “why” the other person was behaving the way he was, so she could put everything in the proper context, clearly articulate her expectations for the relationship and judge his actions rather than psychoanalyze his emotions.
Certainly priorities in a dating situation are different than in a marriage. In fact, you could say that dating is about establishing priorities and marriage is about trusting and honoring them.
Best regards,
Herr Ness
Posted by: Mr. Ness | February 14, 2007 at 09:49 PM
Hi Jill, I just read your blog and thought it was very interesting. So it's a matter of priorities. Mr. Ness should list the order of his "priorities" and why forgetting is at the top. Priorities in a marriage may also be different than in a dating situation. What would he think about that? Good thought, keep it up. Love, MOM
Posted by: Mom | February 01, 2007 at 02:45 PM