jalléCafe

Birthday Celebrations!

This week, I celebrated my birthday.  44th!  No denying mid-life (and at least for the moment past the crisis).  Here, it is traditional to organize your own birthday celebration; however, I'm not one for making parties about myself.  Friends took me out through the week, anyway.  And Mom sang "happy birthday," as is her tradition -- reminding me I weighed 7 lbs. or so when born and how wonderful it was that their first child was a girl, etc. as only a mother can do.

For my birthday, I decided to share the celebration by officially making a donation to another person with a milestone birthday in Zurich this year:  Pastor Ernst Sieber, who turned 80 in March.  More than 40 years ago, when he was nearly mid-life, he started a little project to help homeless people find shelter from the cold (many of them drug-addicts around Zurich in what was then known as needle-park) .  And medical treatment.  Now the non-profit organization that he founded -- Stiftung Sozialwerke Pfarrer Ernst Sieber (SWS) --  employs 120 people, runs five facilities, and helps a segment of the population here that is easily overlooked and pushed under the carpet in Zurich's otherwise affluent society.

In the funny and unexplainable way that life brings you opportunities, I was invited to join the organization's "community support" committee in January.  The SWS Stiftung wants to ensure its sustainability for the next 40 years by broadening its reach.  I am honored to be a part of it and consider it symbolic of my new life that I can make a commitment to such a local cause.

I especially like the fact that SWS was created by a pretty strong character who fully expresses his own voice.  I don't always understand what Pastor Sieber says in Swiss German, but I do understand the passion behind his eyes.  He has his critics here.  A bit eccentric.  Likes to be on stage.  And yet not many among those who would criticize him have founded an organization that has survived ups-and-downs over four decades and serves a population that many would prefer to forget.

As part of my new SWS role, I asked Phillip Zimmerman, the employee who I had met at a conference, if I could visit the facilities to better understand what they do. We had lunch in what is considered the "AIDS hospitial" with staff and clients.  What a range of emotions I experienced: from fear to just plain discomfort to real admiration for the cohesiveness and commitment of the team who see every day such difficult things.

What I remember most is a conversation with an intelligent and open woman, a few years older than me, who described her life as a young girl with a tone of acceptance and pondering. Her early life could not have been more different than mine.  Her mother probably never called her to sing happy birthday.  She has no idea how much she weighed at birth, I would guess.  In fact, nothing she described resembled having "parents" at all in my experience. 

How lucky we are when someone tells us we were "the best thing & most welcome person in the world" when we were born. And what a difference that makes in our lives.  I am sincerely sad that it is not that way for everyone and wish it could be different. I am honored to support a man and his team who have at least tried to do what they can about that.

Clearing space for new growth

I like gardening for several reasons.  One is that you can just work in the soil without needing to write a strategic summary or make a PowerPoint presentation.  Another reason is that I find it a good analogy for making a change.  Even when you can envision the new goal you want to reach, the work often starts with clearing out old weeds and preparing the soil.  And that can take a while. 

This is my garden box. Overgrown and ignored three years while I traveled.   I cleared it on Easter Monday morning (a holiday here in Europe).  After a few hours, I could feel in my body how I had pulled roots and dug in hard soil. And this is just a little box!  I have a vision of a small perennial garden.

I'll keep you posted on how this change evolves.

Week 16

Last week, what I remember of it:

The good:

1. Worked on several projects for clients
2. Finished three marketing pieces -- one of which is a surprisingly fresh, storytelling piece that I hope my clients will enjoy.  Had fun working on it with graphic designer Elisabeth.  I really feel the flow when creating these materials, especially when I feel passionate about the story we are telling.
3. Conducted our April community dialogue seminar about being authentic at work.  Strong dialogue, continuing to prove the method.  Excellent service from the Widder Hotel makes these seminars feel a little bit like a spa experience.  One aspect of the seminar unfortunately also hits my "not perfect" list below for other reasons.
4. Spent some time with a former colleague who always is fun to talk with and has interesting ideas.
5. Facilitated my first Professional Women's Group of Zurich dinner event as the Chairwoman.  I feel good to be a leader of it because it is so international, diverse and supports a range of choices through retirement -- and also because the changes I've made in my life to reduce travel allow me to do it!

The "not perfect"

1. A smaller group attended our dialogue seminar than expected because of "no shows."  I must learn to manage this situation.  The session did NOT crash and burn as a result because it is designed for small groups; the participants who attended brought spirit and enthusiasm.  But it creates more energy when the group is a bit more diverse.
2. I became more irritable than necessary when someone said "there are no complaints about you" in a context that I could hear paraphrased in my ear:  "We are so perfectly the role model of who you should be that we will stand in judgment and let you know what you should do differently."  What is that?  Arrogance?  Ego?  Of course, the one other person who stands out in my experience as once having said something like that to me in a professional role then role modeled how to get fired for misconduct some years later.  I think I'll keep an ear to my voice and let others make their own choices. Wish I had focused on that idea before being irritated!
3. Did not finish all of my invoicing

And finally, what I learned:  that it is great to have the time to do more than just jump out of an airplane, into a taxi and onto a hotel bed.  I saw more of Amsterdam last week than in the dozen other times I have visited.  All because I took a little time to look around when I could instead of doing 100 e-mails.

Turbulence & change

I spent yesterday in Amsterdam in a client workshop.  As I flew home, I watched a spectacular sunset from above the clouds. Reminded me of an analogy about learning that occurred to me some years ago when I flew every week:

  Often when life is helping you learn something new, there's tubulence.  It's like when an airplane ascends through the clouds after take-off.  Have you ever noticed that the air gets especially a little choppy right before you pop through into the clear sky above the clouds?  (I don't know if this is scientific fact; just feels that way to me after hundreds of flights.)  Sometimes when I feel the most discomfort or stress about trying to solve a problem or make a change, it reaches a peak and then "poof!"  I pop through the clouds and everything becomes suddenly more clear.  Sunny even.

Often now, when I start to feel turbulent emotions, I take it as a signal that I'm about to reach new clarity.  And I just try to wait for it to happen.  It nearly always does. 

Like flights, some days are more turbulent than others.  But I can tell the difference between turbulence based on general bad weather and turbulence based on ascending through the clouds.

And at least now I actually take time to notice the sunsets, too.

Week 15: A short week?

I used to ask the people who reported to me to summarize their goals in a similar form as this.  I thought it helped us learn together.  If I can assign it to someone else, I can do it myself:

The 5 best things about last week (OK, normally I would say "greatest accomplishments" but life has to be a little bigger than work):

• Added a new client project
• Confirmed an on-going client project
• Spent time working together with 3 different clients
• With Easter Monday a holiday, it was a four-day week
• I walked to work every morning in the warm, Spring sunshine

Last week's three greatest disappointments me:

• Got some, but still not enough time to move all the marketing along as fast as I want to
• I did just enough marketing to see how much more there is to do (smile)
• I got a big, bad cold on Tuesday night that haunted me through the weekend -- and this even after being so rested!  (I know I was exposed to others who had the same cold. Ugh.)

What I learned that I am happy about:

I took just a few minutes to really connect personally with a few people where I was the communication laggard. And I received a few contacts from friends and colleagues (some different than those I initiated) that remind me of two important things:  1) life is a marathon -- it takes individuals and organizations years to make progress on even the most desired changes.  Sometimes the processes working for change are not immediately visible.  In the end, the people matter to me most and that's the reason to suffer the occasionally laughable, occasionally cry-able dilemmas we face organizationally. and 2) I might as well lighten-up even more sometimes.  There will always be a long to-do list, obstacles, my impatience, and colds.  :-)

Real World Marketing

Sometimes I think I should share with you my exact stream-of-consciousness in running my business, now offically one year in operation.  Take today...marketing morning and client afternoon.

Marketing in my business now means:

Being ready to communicate.  Drafting program descriptions, creating printed materials, the web site and other tactical elements required to support in-person discussions.  The thing I've had to learn the most is how to make a concrete and specific training offer and how long in advance to publish it.

Finding the right communications channels.  I started with my own extended network and use a professional e-mail service to keep them informed.  That's been a good start with several hundred people, many of whom ask me (thankfully!) to keep me on their list. Because I have a genuine message I want to attach to the business and develop with it, building this community of interested people will be important. 

Staying in contact.  Here I mean my own form of "selling" -- implementing the principles of following-up persistently with "prospects" and focusing on how I might help them.  I have at least two in-person meetings a week for this purpose (and informally check this barometer in my head).  I've learned a lot from both of my previous employers about how important it is to be solid in the fundamentals.  What I try add in my own voice is a real conversation about communicating as leaders and being authentic as professionals...the conversations create the emotion and the new ideas.  This part is sometimes the most fun and often takes the most energy.

It seems we've made a good start on all of this in a way that has navigated around my old perfectionist sensibilities.  On the marketing I say, "OK, it's 80% right, let's get it out there and learn something."  Fortunately, I'm too busy to think about it too much.  But I'm always aware it is just a start.  The next challenge will be to create a few activities that reach even further beyond those who know me today. And all of this happens between doing client work, of course. Allocating the right amount of time to both can be quite a challenge.

But meanwhile, I have a lunch appointment and must run to be "just-in-time jill."  Some things never change... 

Back to Work with S

So where does this leave us Jill?

• The desperate housewife says no. The coach says no. The businesswoman says yes. The stroppy one says no. The husband and the cat say no. The artist? Well, she doesn’t actually say no, but I think it’s obvious? Mind you, the artist voice is also not without its risks. It has a seductive way of whispering: ‘chaos is good, you don’t need to eat or sleep; just express yourself, don’t worry about the real world, that’s boring.’ So if I find myself in front of the easel at 3 a.m. will that be better or worse than blogging?!

• I’ve enjoyed the process of listening to and externalising my voices and clarifying what it is they want for me. I feel reassured and energetic about both my job and my hobby. I like the fact that I’m using both sides of my brain. The psychologist and the artist now complement and nurture each other rather than fighting for territory.

• Maybe those who read this will be inspired to listen to a long-lost voice or make the shift from ‘something I’ve always wanted to do’ to ‘something I do’. Others may enjoy getting to know their inner voices better.

So Jill, there you have it.

You win because I agreed to blog – at least once – to share my voice(s). I win because it’s now totally clear to me which voices I need to listen to and I can get back to my blog-free zone without having a guilty conscience. I’m looking forward to hearing your reactions; but then again that would mean I’d have to read your blog. When can we meet for coffee?!

Week 14: Burn-out Avoided!

I'm writing this post on Easter Monday -- Ostermontag -- an offical holiday in Switzerland.  My terrace doors stand open to the cool, sunny Spring breeze.  I've been away from working since last Wednesday. Just took a one-hour mid-morning nap on my sofa because I felt like it.  The relaxed feeling in my bones tells me to be grateful.

Through the last three weeks of March, I often wrote in my journal that I could sense the deep fatigue of burn-out creeping into my spirit.  I needed some space to rest and time to recharge .  I fully enjoy my business, my clients, the way of working.  But good old Task Mistress jill can still take over.

So in the quietness that sets in here just before holidays, I spent last Monday mostly on administrative work: catching-up e-mail, details, little stuff from so many meetings.  And Tuesday a half-day on the creative market planning side of my business (something I need to do more of...I used to always allow 1/2 day a week for this and will try to reinstate that habit now; I've grown to believe there's a dangerous mentality one can develop in professional services -- that every minute should be billable.  Seeing only the numbers can crush the spirit and inspiration. Needs a bigger picture view, I think). 

Tuesday night, I chaired "New Executive Committee Meeting Part 2" for the Professional Womens Group of Zurich.  We split the meeting into two days to accommodate people's holiday schedules.  Between the two discussions, it became clear to me that our first task is to clarify our identity and purpose.  Our members bring extremely diverse perspectives and experiences -- which is the treasure and also the challenge of creating a common view.

And then I left (let's say, nearly ran) for the mountains.  Phone turned off. A day in a spa.  A day of walking. 

Four days of luxurious feeling being home with no plan.  Gardening a little.  Time with friends.  Drinking a Cola Light watching people at the Bellvue tram station.  Blog Expert Helen and I sharing music, Thai take-out and books to read.  Warm Easter celebration with an added surprise that Dorothee & Farouk married after already a 13-year relationship.  Just what I needed.  The reminder of love.  The smiles of friends.  And time to let my own creative spirit wander.

What I say most to that is "thank you!"  I have finally learned something about accepting & managing my personality.  I have changed what I do when I sense burn-out ...which feels like it brings out a better part of who I am.  Not perfect.  I still had a restless night or two feeling stress and discouragement over certain things I cannot change.  But overall more living and the good moments that come with it.

Authentic S

Jill, you probably think I’ve run out of voices but I have of course saved the best till last.

• You know those paintings you have in your office? Well, those are there because I haven’t been blogging. So, time to hear what the artist voice has to say. This is a voice that is just warming up after being quiet for many years. It’s a visual voice which is no longer content to play second fiddle to the verbal voice. It wants its own space and recognition.

• My father died suddenly when I was sixteen. What made this traumatic was not so much the death itself but the shock of the silence that followed. We did not discuss the death or anything vaguely related to it (especially our emotions) at home. My need to talk went unrecognised and this may well be why I later overemphasised verbal / linguistic expression. When I moved to Switzerland, I found the experience of not being able to communicate extremely frustrating, even painful. This may be because it triggered earlier memories of ‘losing my voice’. I worked incredibly hard to find my German-speaking voice. Meanwhile, my artist voice was little more than a faint whisper in the background. I took drawing courses now and then but never really ‘got my artistic act together’.

• I took up the topic of painter’s block with my therapists while I was in training as a counsellor. My favourite ‘most misunderstood moment in therapy’ was when one therapist tried to persuade me that I should join a choir. As someone whose musical talent extends to a New Year’s Eve Irish pub rendering of ‘Danny Boy’ but not beyond this, I found this suggestion hysterically funny.

In the end it was two good friends who helped me find my painting voice. They organised a private lesson for the three of us with an artist friend. I am indebted to Verena and Susanna for recognising my need and dealing with it in a supportive and enjoyable way. The artist in question, Marlis Spielmann (web) has become both a mentor and a friend, someone whose skill, creativity, humour and support I value enormously.

S & the other male perspective

Next up is Angus - my 8-month old ginger tomcat with a lot of personality.

• He gives me ‘that look’ that is reserved for really dumb humans. ‘A blog? Look, if you do have a ten-minute window in your busy schedule, you can have me on your lap; the supremely soothing vibrations of my purring; my gorgeous golden, warm, silky fur to stroke (so that you can do something for your blood pressure level while you’re at it); or you can blog. Your call’. The ‘look’ is underscored with ‘that tail movement’ that is reserved for cat staff he wishes he could replace.

Will these male perspectives be enough to move a non-cat owner like Jill?

Do People Really Ever Change?

I had a difficult conversation with a man recently. (No jokes here from my single women friends; not all conversations with men are difficult!)  But this man is pretty stubborn, I must admit.  He frustrated me.

When I said I was working long hours these last few weeks, he said, "See, everything always comes back to where it was -- work, relationships -- everything!"  He implied, of course, that I have always been and always will be a work-a-holic.  I told him we disagree.  Most likely, we were not really listening to each other.

If I had defended myself, I could have used my blog as an example.   I am writing this post on Monday afternoon and have scheduled it to publish later this week when I'm not by my computer.  That's because I am taking six days off.  Fully off.  No e-mail.  No work.  I DO still work with such focus and energy that I get worn down a little.  But what I have changed is that I see the warning signs -- forgetting small things, letting little stuff bother me, just plain feeling tired.  AND I STOP.  Change the pace for some days.  I spend entire weekends without a plan, a watch, a task list.  I take naps.  Sit in the sun.  And don't feel guilty.

When someone has changed or even tried, we should shout to the roof-tops "Bravo! You courageous, strong, wonderful human being!"  Every little step deserves our applause that a person has decided to believe in himself or herself the most.  Trying is hard, especially at first.  Always along the way we must make the choice to try again.

Maybe if I was really listening before I hung-up, I would have heard fear of failure instead of stubborness? "I don't WANT to change!" or "I am afraid I cannot change!" ? ?? ???  I don't know.  It was a man of a certain middle-ish age, and for us women it is really hard to tell the difference sometimes.  :-)

 

   

S -- The Fourth Voice

I’m feeling pretty confident that this voice that will win Jill over.

But just to be on the safe side, I decide to get some backup.

So far, I’ve only been talking to my own voices. It seems only fair to consult those I share my living space with. There’s Marek my husband. He refuses to even go down the ‘sms’ road; still thinks a blackberry is something you pick from a bush and can’t for the life of him imagine why any sane, self-respecting adult would want to either read or write a blog. So our conversation on this topic is brief and reassuring. His ability to be totally unconcerned about trends or what other people think he should do is something I greatly admire. The only problem is that his mother sends me the text messages!

Week 13: & Before

Here in German-speaking Europe, we refer to the weeks as numbers from 1-52 as the year progresses. Very practical once you get the hang of it (and buy a calendar that shows the numbers).  We are now in Week 14 (Starts Monday, April 2).  I reflect back for a moment on Week 13 and, in fact, the entire month of March.

Blogging Expert Helen reminded me recently that I didn't yet comment on the important milestone achieved in my business some weeks ago.  We held our first learning community session on March 9th! 

We gathered 10 of us at the Widder -- a charming, top-class-service hotel in central Zurich.  We enthusiastically discussed the realities of communicating authentically in our work.  As a business, my extended advisory team & I tested our approach:  the dialogue activities, the learning perspectives, the facilitation style, the environment.  Most importantly, the value and innovation of creating an effective structure for sharing experience.  And I can say after 20 years of facilitating meetings, it was pretty good for a first run. Better than good...motivating for all of us.

This dialogue represents what I am most proud of in this business so far -- creating something that increases people's confidence in themselves, built quickly but with rigor through a team, honoring individual voices, real "ah-ha" moments -- practical, pragmatic, with elegance & inspiration, but not fluffy. That is why it is a milestone.

So last week, when I facilitated at a client event for which I did not impact the design of the dialogue so fully, I felt less comfortable.  I'm learning that the standard starts with the planning & knowledge that goes into it.  It was average.  I want excellent.

It's a lot of work to introduce a new product to the market.  A few steps forward.  A few steps that don't work so well.  After my client event last week, I spent Wednesday sorting through with others what is the best way to reach people who can join our dialogues and a difficult decision to combine our last session in March with April 20th in order not to risk the quality.  I've read case studies about such decisions -- keep the "cutomer promise" vs. "sell seats."  My partners & I voted to keep the customer promise.  I hope we are still in business next year!  These thing always seem easier in text books.

Thursday, 2 coaching sessions, plus the launch of the new executive committee for the Professional Women's Group of Zurich. Friday in-between co-writing an article about authenticity with S. -- working out new invitations for the April event and always more networking meetings.

I love the days. Feel very lucky.  Very inspired. Feel also by the weekend very tired.  Wonder where the world is going to take us in the next months.  I try to both implement and step back to see the bigger picture.  Let's see...

And (S)o on! (Part 3)

After my walk I feel calmer and more confident about my decision not to blog. Until I see Jill the next morning. She’s got that blogger’s sparkle in her eye. My resolve wobbles ……

But then I hear a defiant snort from my ‘stroppy’ insubordinate voice. ‘Why should you blog just because your friend Jill thinks it’s a good idea?’

• This is my non-conformist voice; subversive; feisty; one who doesn’t care that her humming of ‘I did it my way’ is slightly off tune and a bit too loud. This one has been around for a long time. It’s the voice that helped me resist peer pressure when I was 13 and stopped me from becoming a smoker. It’s the one that cheered me on from the sidelines as I played football in a boarding school where playing football was not considered ladylike.

• You could be forgiven for thinking that this is simply a rebellious teenager’s voice but it has also helped me make the right decisions – both personal and professional - in my adult life. The secret of this voice’s success lies in its ability to never lose sight of its goal (keeping me authentic) while being able to adapt its tone to suit the situation. It has matured but not really mellowed in its intention. At boarding school it used its charm to distract authority figures from my often blatant rule bending. These days it politely but firmly deals with people who share their unsolicited suggestions on how I should live my life. (As in ‘you would be a great Mum, you really should have children’).

• This feisty voice asks difficult questions; it refuses to take things at face value; it challenges ‘dominant narratives’ and taken for granted truths. In a professional context, this enables me to approach my clients with an open mind and to see each story as unique.

Paying attention to this voice has its price. It can mean conflict or loneliness. My life might be easier if I suppressed the feistiness. But it wouldn’t really be MY life.