The art of resolving miscommunication - feeling heard & understood

While traveling some weeks ago for a workshop, trying to pinpoint what it is that I do for a living exactly, I jotted this in my journal. Found it this morning and thought it was worth a post.

I'm not an expert on resolving miscommunication, but I do know how to help people feel heard.  And over the years as I've been fascinated with the topic, I've come to believe that feeling heard can in fact avoid a whole lot of misunderstanding in the first place. 

What can you do so that people feel "heard?"

1. Ask their opinion and find something in it that benefits your own growth or your business situation. Learn the intense pleasure of seeing someone "light up" because his or her idea was genuinely valued and used. This feeling can far exceed that of having it your own way. Plus, committing to yourself to find something good and workable in the other person's view means you actually have to listen.
2. In a group, sometimes ask each person to express his or her own opinion and say "good, I'm glad to hear that" after each one. Be glad. When people feel safe to express their own views, the chance for real communication increases.
3. Ask for an example of what a person means. So many times, we think we understand, but it's based on our own assumptions, not theirs. When a person explains the context using a real example, we have a much higher chance to understand the full story.

And finally my favorite gentleness in communication idea, which I realize as I write about it, took a while to learn. Sometimes I still need practice:

Listen into the message to find how people want to succeed and understand what makes them insecure about doing it. Often, we actually voice more our insecurities than our confidence.  I had a boss once (my worst) who purposely looked for insecurities to exploit them.  Some people do that. But I think it's important to help be more gentle with people who mostly want to be valued.  To step more lightly around the soft spots.  Then trust can increase, defenses can dissolve and real communication can begin.

Comments

[Jane Allemang]

Jill, I thought this was an excellent piece. It's the same in a schoolroom. Everyone wants to be heard but are afraid that someone will make fun of them or laugh. The "popular" or so called "smart" kids always speak up because they have the correct family, friends, grades. You are on the right track because people need to learn to include everyone. That is why cooperative learning was such a good tool. It was scripted and all had a role. The shy or reluctant learner had to participate but they knew exactly what to say. Of course you are working on a much larger scale but it's ironic how the same problem exists on a small scale. MOM